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Thursday, June 15, 2017

Pergi tak kembali [Part 2]

Sambung dari Part 1

Lepas mami duduk. Doktor pun start explain dari mula. How daddy punya pernafasan started menurun tiap saat. He mention bout how daddy's heart already stop for the second time when we are still on the way to the hospital. dan berkemungkinan untuk berhenti buat kali ke tiga. 

Jadi persoalannya di sini oleh doktor adalah: 
1- Doktor tanya mami sama ada suruh mereka (para doktor dan nurse) buat CPR lagi dan tekan dada (doktor exact word) utk buat jantung daddy berdenyut lagi? ATAU
2- Let daddy go in peace? 

I stand there listening. Try to being strong for my mami, brother, niece and nephew. I can see mami almost burst to tears. Her voice shaken. Who wouldn't? In there laying unconscious is her husband who's been together more than her own ages.

So mami pun tanya pendapat abang, adik beradik dia macam mana. and everybody was like it's up to her. if u still want to go on, then we try. but also if we can let him go. It's also a good thing so that he won't feel the pain for much longer. 

Mami decide to let him go in peace (and directly burst into tears) 

Bacaan Yasin dan selawat mula berkumandang kat tempat daddy time tu. Bacaan dari sanak saudara, adik beradik dia, adik beradik mak.. Aku berdiri dekat kaki dia. Membaca Yasin sambil pegang2 tangan. kaki daddy for the last time. 

Belum cukup bakti aku dgn daddy. Belum cukup nikmat daddy rasa atas hasil titik peluh aku kerja.

 I feel so crush. Like something in my heart is being pull and torn in pieces. but it didn't show in my face. Aku mengalirkan air mata sekejap then after that I didn't know where the strong come from. I stop crying and just comforting other people and continue bacaan Yasin. (maybe in the past 2 years I've been having personal problems that I can't share here first but I've been depressed and really down during those times. I keep it to myself and didn't want to burden my parent. So here I am doing the same things. As I didn't want mami to feel more sad if seeing me breaking down)


Its been so long that I don't continue to write this. So here I am back again. Cause I need to finish this before coming Raya. Raya is in two weeks.


I remember around 3.55am. Nurses and doctors were running and rushing to daddy bedside. We all yang tengah baca Yasin at daddy bedside slow-slow berundur and give ways for them to do their jobs. But I know, by that time. My heart breaks. It breaks so slow that as if I can feel it being torn up bit by bit. Mami bursting into tears. Big brother trying to be strong but I can see his eyes turn red and he's sitting down.


I'm acting strong. I'm acting tough. Tears only runs for a while.

Then I stop. No more tears. Not a single more.

It breaks me to see mami like that. It hurts me to see all mami and daddy sibling looks so sad.

I called my one of my niece, Ameera. Cause she's the one who's very close to daddy. Bringing daddy here and there when I cannot (Especially when I'm in Miri). Calling daddy always. TAlking so much stuff with him.

Its early morning. And the moment I said "Kakak, atok dah sikda" to a teenage young girl, silence fill in for a second. and she cried. she cried so hard that I have raise my voice a little to calm her down. You know, it's so hard to calm people through phones.
WHen she finally arrived at the hospital with all her sibling. You also can see how that young girl dreams has crush. She was my daddy sunshine. Daddy promise so many things and to help her cause she's just a bright girl with a bright future. She's so smart, even smarter than me.

I promise myself that time. If i have the money and power. They will always be under my protection.


You see, I have 11 nieces and nephews. Some with no parents around and that's how I become stronger and matured. I considered them as my own son and daughter. I would protect them with my life. Scold them like their my own.

(This is another topic for another post)


Alhamdulillah segalanya berjalan lancar. Even time nak bawak pegi kubur pun. Hospital tak menahan arwah dadi lamak. Lepas discharge, bawa terus ke rumah mayat untuk di mandikan, dikafan dan sembahyang.

I'm telling u. People that day was saying that I don't have a heart. Cause he's my daddy. and  we're quite close. But I don't cry.
But people, you don't even know me. Even if you think you know me. Can you see what's in my heart? how can you judge me just by seeing me like that? if only u guys can see how crush i am actually. How I am trying to hold myself, so scared that I will break myself.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to continue again.

Dunia adalah suatu pembohongan, kesenangan, kekayaan harta benda hanyalah ilusi semata-mata, adakah kesenangan di dunia ini mampu dibawa hingga ke liang lahad? Tahukah kita bahawa setiap yang hidup pasti menemui ajal. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017



ok capslock. lol I'm just excited to announced that SERIAN SCOUT is about to  hold their  FIRST RUN 
Yes. First. Don't you guys wanna be apart of the history? Isn't it exciting? 

It is obviously a healthy activity and those who wish to contribute to school children in Serian. This is the right activity for it. 

Come and join the Scout Run on July 8, 2017. With the support of Rev Run Co, the run will definitely be fun and exciting.

The aim of the Scout Run is to raise fund for the Scout organisation in Serian. As a non-governmental and non-profit organisation, the fund will be used to develop human capital and to finance Scouting activities in the district.

It is expected that YB Dato’ Sri Richard Riot Ak Jaem, member of the parliament and Federal Minister of Human Resource will officiate at the start of the three and five-kilometre run at 6 am.
The Scout Local Authority Chairman, Yunus Apok, hopes that youths and people from all walks of life will participate in the run as it promotes peace and unity through the gathering of people from different races and background.  

Nevertheless, it also promotes a healthy and active lifestyle.

Not many big-scale runs are happening in Serian, but Scout is setting the benchmark for others to follow whereby it is trying to get 500 runners from nearby Serian. 
As this run is non-competitive, runners get their medals after completing the run and top ten finishers will get special prizes.
Yunus added that the t-shirt will come in an attractive purple to represent the World Scout Organisation while the medal is round with a rotating 360 degrees Scout logo from Medal Depot. Isn't it sound nice guys? So come on!

Runners will also have the opportunity to bring home hampers from the lucky draw during the event.

Children under 12 can participate in the run but must be accompanied by parents or guidance.

Participants can get the registration forms from:
  • The Brooks in Green Heights Mall
  • Scout Shop at Batu Lintang
  • Tarat Sentral in Serian

For more information, please contact Mr. Yahya Iskandar at 013-8210401

Submission of registration form and payment of the RM50 are to be done by hand tp:
  • Madam Irin Banying  at 0198386115 
  • Miss Sendra Ada at 0137060028 


Bank in to 8008514596 (CIMB) Majlis Pengakap Daerah Serian.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Pergi takkan kembali [Part 1]

Pada 8 Januari 2017 (bersamaan dengan 9 Rabiul Akhir 1438 H) pada hari Ahad.

Ayahanda/Daddy/Bapak telah kembali ke rahmatullah pada hari tersebut. I was still in Miri 3 days before. On Friday, I received a phone call from mami using my auntie phone saying that they are bringing my daddy to the emergency room since he fall, bleeding and somehow started mumbling something that none of us know what. (but this is not the cause)

Note that this is not rare ok. My daddy has been on and off from hospital for the past 3 years since he started dialysis in 2014 if I'm not mistaken.

I remember I received the phone calls when I was in the office arounod 3pm on Friday 6th January 2017. I don't feel good about it. Because usually, I'll be the last to know about all that happen in my family (well, still consider not the first). Before mami call bagitau tentang diorang otw ke hosp, my cousin already messaging me asking what happen to my father. and she is in KL. lagi jaoh dari my hometown. But that day, mami call me and said that they are going to bring daddy to the emergency room, nothing to be worried. It's just same old thing and they just want to bring daddy to the hospital for more check up. Just in case. Cause he's so fragile nowadays.

I tried to stay calm throughout the work. Busykan dengan kerja2. But you know. I can feel it in my bones something was off.

And around 5.15 pm when I'm about to go home. My brother send me a msg saying "Izzati, balik sekarang"

My brother never send me something like that. He's the type of people who always kid and play around.

I have nothing to expect. Nothing to think. I don't have much money in pocket.

But I am lucky to have beautiful and supportive families and friends. They all chip in for me to bring back something and for my plane tickets.

nak beli flight awal tak mampu sebab dah last minute sangat. terlalu mahal, so I settle for the last flight. Which means I will arrive in Kch midnight.

Sampai di Kch my bff amik kat airport and kitorang terus ke hosp. Cari2 kat emergency tak jumpa diorang and daddy. Dalam kepala dah fikir ahh sudah. Tadi kemain dalam group whatsapp boleh kata the whole family kat sana. Ni sorang pun tak nampak. Dah macam2 difikirkan ni. Takut apa-apahal kan.

Last abang msg, dia just cakap suruh balik sekarang. Sebab daddy bakal di intube. Kalau dah intube kemungkinan dia tak sedar. I was so devastated actually. I was planning to call him the next day. Which is hari sabtu keesokan hari nya. You know just to talk the usual talk. and update him about what I told him last week, that I already tender my resignation letter. but it will take 6 months for me to come back home. (I'll tell about this next time)

I ran throughout the hospital emergency area. yellow zone and such. Memang tak jumpa. my family, my mother, my brother, niece nephew. semua tak jawab phone. So i just duduk kat kerusi luar emergency tu, trying to calm myself down. Try lagi call abang, and lepas beberapa kali cuba akhirnya dia jawab. Dia suruh try cari kat redzone, which is memang zone yg mmg aku tak masok. Sbb ingatkan dia bukan kat sana kan.

Masok jer dalam redzone (tak byk katil dalam ni, so senangla nak scan muka sorang2 cari my daddy) and yet dia takda dalam sana. Dah mati akal nak cari kat mana lagi. Baru nak keluar dari redzone nampak ada sorang nurse baru masuk. Terus tanya nurse tu, Sapiee kat mana?
Being a responsible and efficient nurse, he knows exactly where my father is. Tingkat 8 Bilik 24. *lari terus ke atas* sambil cakap thank you!

Time jalan di tingkat 8 sambil nak cari katil daddy. Ngam2 pulak mami baru keluar dari toilet. She looks exhausted but still beautiful though.

When I arrived at my daddy's bed. It is so devastated so see him lying there, in-tube, unconscious, being so skinny than usual and aged with time. Know that my daddy is an active person. Always work. Going here and there to do things with us, or with his grandchildren or friends. and to see him lying on the hospital bed. It crush me. It crush me so much to see him in that conditions.

I hug and kiss him on the cheek and forehead. Bisik kat dia bagitau I'm home. I'm home. I'm here. Be strong. You can do this. I will be waiting for you to open your eyes. You need to fight. I'll be waiting.

I don't know if its only my feeling. Or if i imagined things. Tapi I can see macam dia ketap bibir menahan nangis/sakit. Tak dapat bercakap. Tak keluar air mata. Seriously it looks like that. But dia kan unconscious. So maybe I just imagined it.

So I stay there until 2 or 3 am waiting for my brother to come to replace my mom taking care of my daddy that day and I will bring mami home for awhile and come back in the morning.


As early as 6am, we already prepare to go to the hosp. Sampai ja kat hosp, I still can't look. It still crush me so much. and to know that he's been waiting for my return for so long and when I do return, he doesn't even know that I'm there.

Luckily that day, I stayed there. in the hospital walaupun mami ada utk temankan daddy. But I still there accompany them both. And dalam pukul 10 pagi, my niece msg me asking where am I, dah sampai kuching ka belum? So I bagitahulah I dah kat hospital. Datang la sini lawat sekali. Being a good niece she is. Dia pun dtg dihantar oleh pakcik dia guna motorsikal (gigih tak gigih?) and dia stay dengan aku sampai petang kat hospital sekali dgn mami and dadi.

During that time, boleh tengok, all the fluid dalam badan daddy dah start keluar dari mulut dia, dari hidung until quite a few times, we have to do suctions cause it keep on flowing. I hate to see it when the nurses do the suction from his nose and mouth. Tengok jer dah tau sakit. Mungkin daddy rasa jugak kot tapi he cannot do anything. He cannot move and such.

I stay there until 3/4pm I don't remember. Then balik rumah tuka amik barang yang mami suruh utk bawak pergi hospital lagi. Then my niece cakap suruh call adik2 dia semua datang hospital lawat atok (my daddy). So kitorang pun datang balik around 5.30pm dgn cucu cucu kesayangan dia semua. Kebetulan time tu adalah waktu melawat. Terkejut tetiba tengok org ramai kat area katil daddy. Kebanyakan adik beradik dia dan adik beradik mami ada kat sana untuk melawat. He is so loved. So much by everybody.

Dah macam pasar malam pun ada aku tengok kat hospital time tu. Terlalu ramai orang dan padat. Dah macam keramaian dah.
I'm happy to see him surrounded by those people that loves him.

Daripada kawan2 dia yang jaoh, dekat, yang dah lama tak jumpa, selalu jumpa. Semua datang melawat.

Beberapa jam kat sana. Lepas tu aku bawak anak2 buah yang perlu balik ke rumah dulu. I think time tu dalam pukul 7.30pm kot.

Lepas hantar semua balik. Then I went to my in laws house. Sebab diorang tak tau pun aku ada kat Kch time tu. at the same time nak bawak hubs lawat daddy sekali.

I come back around 12pm or 1am on Sunday already lah kan. Sebab nak amik mami bawak balik rumah suruh rehat dulu.
Abg yang akan ganti jaga daddy sampai awal pagi and as usual awal pagi aku sampai lagi utk take over.

Sampai ja kat rumah. Mandi dulu. Then kemas2 nak tidur. Nak bgn awal esok pagi kan. Mami pun turut kemas nak mandi.

Lepas habis kemas baru aku tgk phone balik. Lupa pulak phone is on silent mode. Tengok call dari abang was like so many. And then yg buat aku tergamam is bila baca whatsapp dari abang.

"Bapak tengah CPR. Jantung dah berhenti 2 kali. Denyut nadi makin slow setiap kali CPR. Mungkin berhenti buat kali ke 3. Bawak mak balik ke hospital"

Masih stucked terduduk kat lantai lepas baca msg. Lari keluar ke bilik mami. Mami masih mandi. I know how mami is if she's in shocked, so I try to calm myself down first sebelum nak sampaikan khabar. I don't want mami pulak to be collapsed sebab terkejut kan. She's to tired and she just need rest for now.
Lepas mami mandi, I go and knock her room. Ceria jer muka dia lepas dapat mandi and berehat sebentar. Tak sampai hati nak sampaikan khabar duka.

But I have too.

So I did.

Dan muka mami terus berubah. She ask me what to do. what to do now? She sounds panicked. She look panicked. I tell her to relax, calm her. and ask her to change cloth so we can go back to the hosp. She only nodded to what I'm saying and close the door.

I wake my hubs from sleeping and apologies sbb kacau dia tidur and suruh kemas (update to him the situation)

Being him. The sleepyhead. He always being so clumsy waking up in a hurry. So dia just guna baju shirt and seloar pendek.

Being me. I take his seluar melayu (the long baju melayu pants) and his jeans so he can choose which he want to wear later. (I already can sense something is going to go wrong from here, Not I don't have faith for him to be better. but it was something like maybe I feel that it's time. Or just maybe I rather he don't feel these pain)

Then we directly went to the hospital. All 4 of us. Me, mami, hubs and Syazwan (not so little cousin from KL) Glad that he's here.

Mami dah tak kisah. Lampu isyarat langgar jer. Luckily it was early morning. So, tak banyak kereta kan. or none at all


A little later we arrive at the hospital. I can see abang from afar and his wife and a doctor talking. 

I don't feel good. I literally don't feel good but I keep myself together. 

Then abang amik kerusi, suruh mami duduk dulu. Take her breath. 

(you know this already not a good sign right?)

p/s I'll continue later. This is for my own memories later days. Don't judge if I'm being full disclosure here. 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Display of own affection

Dear Diary,

Do you ever get sick of me talking bout death?

Its been years since Mister died. or actually when I found out that he died. A very good friend of mine.
He wanted me to go back to school. Work years later and live my life. So here I am.
Back to school. Studying. Going to class. Finish my school. Changing works after works years later. Trying to move on like everyone else but I still can't feel that I've been living my life.

And with other things happen in my life.

I have adopted my own distraction.

Besides the more I have others to think about. The less I have to miss him. But in the meantime, I choose to believe that he's watching over me. Because that's what Mister is. He's always watching over people and help them.

But sometimes its hurt that when you have miss someone lesser, you got another one to be miss.


What did I think?

Wednesday, November 23, 2016



I still remember that I have voucher by Zalora that I get last year and I almost forgot that it will expired in December.
 Sikit lagi... sikittt lagi nak lupa. Kalau lupa rugilah kan? Tetiba expired. hehe

So, last Saturday pergi lah godek website Zalora and of course la pergi section sling bag. (I have a thing for sling bag. I have like lots and lots of sling bag collection). Sorry lah eh, saya ada masalah kekurangan hormon keperempuanan sikit. hahaha. Ngam pulak  time godek website tu adalah tengah malam hari Jumaat (11 November 2016), so apparently time tu jugak diorang tgh buat sale 11.11 SALES!

There's this bag cost RM205 if I'm not mistaken. Then diorang discount until RM 163.90. Tapi malam SALES 11.11 tu diorang buat offer sampai RM112.80. Nampak tak jauh dia turun? hehehe
and since I have voucher for RM100. So, to cut things short. I place on order for it. ahahahahaha Sabtu order. Hari Isnin time keja  pegi lah check ddelivery kan.. (nampak sangat tak sabar)

Actually I don't really expect the parcel to arrive at least a week after I place an order. Dahlah order time weekend kan. So fikir mungkin diorang belum proses ke apa ke. Tapi hari Isnin check dah sampai Delivery Branch. Macam tak caya. hahaha and yes. On the same day jugak petang sikit sampailah barang.

I am a happy woman I tell you.

I am buying the bag for only RM12.80.

And now that I check back. The cost increase again to RM164 even with discount.


 Thank You for the 11.11 Sales~~

p/s Ala2 reward utk diri sendiri la tu (konon) hahahaha

Friday, September 30, 2016

Update about Pertandingan Silat Piala Presiden RSS 2016 - Part 2

Update about Pertandingan Silat Piala Presiden RSS 2016 

Mostly semua peserta dah tak sabar-sabar nak mula main besok I'm pretty sure about it. So before anything. Let's take a look about a few pictures yang aku dapat daripada group perguruan kami. Credit and Thanks to our senior Azman for the pictures.

 So, macam ni lah rupa entrance dewan RSS batu kawa untuk menyambut kedatangan peserta dan penonton yang hadir. Not bad huh?
I like the banner whoever design it. Thanks for the awesome banner! *thumbs up*

*zooming in for the banner*

This... this is actually what excites me. boleh imagine tak before pertandingan. Gambar dulu untuk kenangan lain kali kan. so boleh tahu dah sapa lawan next and next. Good concept tho.

Yang ni keadaan kawasan dalam dewan. Di fahamkan diorang pasang kawasan tatami ni (ala2 stage lah kan) kalau just pasang 1. Lama nak tunggu next turn.

So, there's about it for now. Kalau ada update lain. I'll be sure to share with you guys. Come and support k? Let me repeat in case you guys forget.

Pertandingan Silat Piala Presiden RSS Zon Kawasan Kuching 
Tempat : Dewan RSS di Batu Kawa, Kuching. Sarawak 
Tarikh : 1-3 Oktober 2016 

Masa bermula seawal jam 9 pagi kalau tak silap (I'll have to get back to you guys bout that)

So, datang beramai-ramai untuk memeriahkan dewan rss dan memberi sokongan untuk seni mempertahankan diri yang tak lapuk di telan zaman. Mana tahu boleh nak pilih2 berminat nak join lain kali kan?

Good luck untuk peserta yang join!

Thursday, September 29, 2016


Another posting about martial art iaitu seni silat.
Reminiscing again, I've post about this last time, you guys can check itu HERE.

Tapi hari ni bukan nak cita pasal Malam Pendekar dah. Kali ni nak bagitau ada satu lagi pertandingan untuk semua hadir menonton. Bagi sokongan dekat abang, kakak dan adik2 kita kan.

anjuran Rumpun Silat Sarawak

Event ni akan diadakan dalam bulan Oktober. To be exact. Ia bermula 1 Oktober 2016 - 3 Oktober 2016. So time tu cuti lagi kan. Tak tau nak bawak family pergi mana. boleh lah beramai-ramai memenuhi Dewan Rumpun Silat Sarawak dekat MJC, Batu Kawa, Kuching.