Thursday, June 15, 2017

Pergi tak kembali [Part 2]

Sambung dari Part 1


Lepas mami duduk. Doktor pun start explain dari mula. How daddy punya pernafasan started menurun tiap saat. He mention bout how daddy's heart already stop for the second time when we are still on the way to the hospital. dan berkemungkinan untuk berhenti buat kali ke tiga. 

Jadi persoalannya di sini oleh doktor adalah: 
1- Doktor tanya mami sama ada suruh mereka (para doktor dan nurse) buat CPR lagi dan tekan dada (doktor exact word) utk buat jantung daddy berdenyut lagi? ATAU
2- Let daddy go in peace? 

I stand there listening. Try to being strong for my mami, brother, niece and nephew. I can see mami almost burst to tears. Her voice shaken. Who wouldn't? In there laying unconscious is her husband who's been together more than her own ages.

So mami pun tanya pendapat abang, adik beradik dia macam mana. and everybody was like it's up to her. if u still want to go on, then we try. but also if we can let him go. It's also a good thing so that he won't feel the pain for much longer. 

Mami decide to let him go in peace (and directly burst into tears) 

Bacaan Yasin dan selawat mula berkumandang kat tempat daddy time tu. Bacaan dari sanak saudara, adik beradik dia, adik beradik mak.. Aku berdiri dekat kaki dia. Membaca Yasin sambil pegang2 tangan. kaki daddy for the last time. 

Belum cukup bakti aku dgn daddy. Belum cukup nikmat daddy rasa atas hasil titik peluh aku kerja.

 I feel so crush. Like something in my heart is being pull and torn in pieces. but it didn't show in my face. Aku mengalirkan air mata sekejap then after that I didn't know where the strong come from. I stop crying and just comforting other people and continue bacaan Yasin. (maybe in the past 2 years I've been having personal problems that I can't share here first but I've been depressed and really down during those times. I keep it to myself and didn't want to burden my parent. So here I am doing the same things. As I didn't want mami to feel more sad if seeing me breaking down)


****

Its been so long that I don't continue to write this. So here I am back again. Cause I need to finish this before coming Raya. Raya is in two weeks.

****

I remember around 3.55am. Nurses and doctors were running and rushing to daddy bedside. We all yang tengah baca Yasin at daddy bedside slow-slow berundur and give ways for them to do their jobs. But I know, by that time. My heart breaks. It breaks so slow that as if I can feel it being torn up bit by bit. Mami bursting into tears. Big brother trying to be strong but I can see his eyes turn red and he's sitting down.

Me.

I'm acting strong. I'm acting tough. Tears only runs for a while.

Then I stop. No more tears. Not a single more.

It breaks me to see mami like that. It hurts me to see all mami and daddy sibling looks so sad.

I called my one of my niece, Ameera. Cause she's the one who's very close to daddy. Bringing daddy here and there when I cannot (Especially when I'm in Miri). Calling daddy always. TAlking so much stuff with him.

Its early morning. And the moment I said "Kakak, atok dah sikda" to a teenage young girl, silence fill in for a second. and she cried. she cried so hard that I have raise my voice a little to calm her down. You know, it's so hard to calm people through phones.
WHen she finally arrived at the hospital with all her sibling. You also can see how that young girl dreams has crush. She was my daddy sunshine. Daddy promise so many things and to help her cause she's just a bright girl with a bright future. She's so smart, even smarter than me.

I promise myself that time. If i have the money and power. They will always be under my protection.

Always.

You see, I have 11 nieces and nephews. Some with no parents around and that's how I become stronger and matured. I considered them as my own son and daughter. I would protect them with my life. Scold them like their my own.

(This is another topic for another post)

*TIME JUMP*

Alhamdulillah segalanya berjalan lancar. Even time nak bawak pegi kubur pun. Hospital tak menahan arwah dadi lamak. Lepas discharge, bawa terus ke rumah mayat untuk di mandikan, dikafan dan sembahyang.

I'm telling u. People that day was saying that I don't have a heart. Cause he's my daddy. and  we're quite close. But I don't cry.
But people, you don't even know me. Even if you think you know me. Can you see what's in my heart? how can you judge me just by seeing me like that? if only u guys can see how crush i am actually. How I am trying to hold myself, so scared that I will break myself.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to continue again.





Dunia adalah suatu pembohongan, kesenangan, kekayaan harta benda hanyalah ilusi semata-mata, adakah kesenangan di dunia ini mampu dibawa hingga ke liang lahad? Tahukah kita bahawa setiap yang hidup pasti menemui ajal. 

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