Pergi takkan kembali [Part 1]

Pada 8 Januari 2017 (bersamaan dengan 9 Rabiul Akhir 1438 H) pada hari Ahad.

Ayahanda/Daddy/Bapak telah kembali ke rahmatullah pada hari tersebut. I was still in Miri 3 days before. On Friday, I received a phone call from mami using my auntie phone saying that they are bringing my daddy to the emergency room since he fall, bleeding and somehow started mumbling something that none of us know what. (but this is not the cause)

Note that this is not rare ok. My daddy has been on and off from hospital for the past 3 years since he started dialysis in 2014 if I'm not mistaken.

I remember I received the phone calls when I was in the office arounod 3pm on Friday 6th January 2017. I don't feel good about it. Because usually, I'll be the last to know about all that happen in my family (well, still consider not the first). Before mami call bagitau tentang diorang otw ke hosp, my cousin already messaging me asking what happen to my father. and she is in KL. lagi jaoh dari my hometown. But that day, mami call me and said that they are going to bring daddy to the emergency room, nothing to be worried. It's just same old thing and they just want to bring daddy to the hospital for more check up. Just in case. Cause he's so fragile nowadays.

I tried to stay calm throughout the work. Busykan dengan kerja2. But you know. I can feel it in my bones something was off.

And around 5.15 pm when I'm about to go home. My brother send me a msg saying "Izzati, balik sekarang"

My brother never send me something like that. He's the type of people who always kid and play around.

I have nothing to expect. Nothing to think. I don't have much money in pocket.

But I am lucky to have beautiful and supportive families and friends. They all chip in for me to bring back something and for my plane tickets.

nak beli flight awal tak mampu sebab dah last minute sangat. terlalu mahal, so I settle for the last flight. Which means I will arrive in Kch midnight.

Sampai di Kch my bff amik kat airport and kitorang terus ke hosp. Cari2 kat emergency tak jumpa diorang and daddy. Dalam kepala dah fikir ahh sudah. Tadi kemain dalam group whatsapp boleh kata the whole family kat sana. Ni sorang pun tak nampak. Dah macam2 difikirkan ni. Takut apa-apahal kan.

Last abang msg, dia just cakap suruh balik sekarang. Sebab daddy bakal di intube. Kalau dah intube kemungkinan dia tak sedar. I was so devastated actually. I was planning to call him the next day. Which is hari sabtu keesokan hari nya. You know just to talk the usual talk. and update him about what I told him last week, that I already tender my resignation letter. but it will take 6 months for me to come back home. (I'll tell about this next time)

I ran throughout the hospital emergency area. yellow zone and such. Memang tak jumpa. my family, my mother, my brother, niece nephew. semua tak jawab phone. So i just duduk kat kerusi luar emergency tu, trying to calm myself down. Try lagi call abang, and lepas beberapa kali cuba akhirnya dia jawab. Dia suruh try cari kat redzone, which is memang zone yg mmg aku tak masok. Sbb ingatkan dia bukan kat sana kan.

Masok jer dalam redzone (tak byk katil dalam ni, so senangla nak scan muka sorang2 cari my daddy) and yet dia takda dalam sana. Dah mati akal nak cari kat mana lagi. Baru nak keluar dari redzone nampak ada sorang nurse baru masuk. Terus tanya nurse tu, Sapiee kat mana?
Being a responsible and efficient nurse, he knows exactly where my father is. Tingkat 8 Bilik 24. *lari terus ke atas* sambil cakap thank you!

Time jalan di tingkat 8 sambil nak cari katil daddy. Ngam2 pulak mami baru keluar dari toilet. She looks exhausted but still beautiful though.

When I arrived at my daddy's bed. It is so devastated so see him lying there, in-tube, unconscious, being so skinny than usual and aged with time. Know that my daddy is an active person. Always work. Going here and there to do things with us, or with his grandchildren or friends. and to see him lying on the hospital bed. It crush me. It crush me so much to see him in that conditions.

I hug and kiss him on the cheek and forehead. Bisik kat dia bagitau I'm home. I'm home. I'm here. Be strong. You can do this. I will be waiting for you to open your eyes. You need to fight. I'll be waiting.

I don't know if its only my feeling. Or if i imagined things. Tapi I can see macam dia ketap bibir menahan nangis/sakit. Tak dapat bercakap. Tak keluar air mata. Seriously it looks like that. But dia kan unconscious. So maybe I just imagined it.

So I stay there until 2 or 3 am waiting for my brother to come to replace my mom taking care of my daddy that day and I will bring mami home for awhile and come back in the morning.


As early as 6am, we already prepare to go to the hosp. Sampai ja kat hosp, I still can't look. It still crush me so much. and to know that he's been waiting for my return for so long and when I do return, he doesn't even know that I'm there.

Luckily that day, I stayed there. in the hospital walaupun mami ada utk temankan daddy. But I still there accompany them both. And dalam pukul 10 pagi, my niece msg me asking where am I, dah sampai kuching ka belum? So I bagitahulah I dah kat hospital. Datang la sini lawat sekali. Being a good niece she is. Dia pun dtg dihantar oleh pakcik dia guna motorsikal (gigih tak gigih?) and dia stay dengan aku sampai petang kat hospital sekali dgn mami and dadi.

During that time, boleh tengok, all the fluid dalam badan daddy dah start keluar dari mulut dia, dari hidung until quite a few times, we have to do suctions cause it keep on flowing. I hate to see it when the nurses do the suction from his nose and mouth. Tengok jer dah tau sakit. Mungkin daddy rasa jugak kot tapi he cannot do anything. He cannot move and such.

I stay there until 3/4pm I don't remember. Then balik rumah tuka amik barang yang mami suruh utk bawak pergi hospital lagi. Then my niece cakap suruh call adik2 dia semua datang hospital lawat atok (my daddy). So kitorang pun datang balik around 5.30pm dgn cucu cucu kesayangan dia semua. Kebetulan time tu adalah waktu melawat. Terkejut tetiba tengok org ramai kat area katil daddy. Kebanyakan adik beradik dia dan adik beradik mami ada kat sana untuk melawat. He is so loved. So much by everybody.

Dah macam pasar malam pun ada aku tengok kat hospital time tu. Terlalu ramai orang dan padat. Dah macam keramaian dah.
I'm happy to see him surrounded by those people that loves him.

Daripada kawan2 dia yang jaoh, dekat, yang dah lama tak jumpa, selalu jumpa. Semua datang melawat.

Beberapa jam kat sana. Lepas tu aku bawak anak2 buah yang perlu balik ke rumah dulu. I think time tu dalam pukul 7.30pm kot.

Lepas hantar semua balik. Then I went to my in laws house. Sebab diorang tak tau pun aku ada kat Kch time tu. at the same time nak bawak hubs lawat daddy sekali.

I come back around 12pm or 1am on Sunday already lah kan. Sebab nak amik mami bawak balik rumah suruh rehat dulu.
Abg yang akan ganti jaga daddy sampai awal pagi and as usual awal pagi aku sampai lagi utk take over.

Sampai ja kat rumah. Mandi dulu. Then kemas2 nak tidur. Nak bgn awal esok pagi kan. Mami pun turut kemas nak mandi.

Lepas habis kemas baru aku tgk phone balik. Lupa pulak phone is on silent mode. Tengok call dari abang was like so many. And then yg buat aku tergamam is bila baca whatsapp dari abang.

"Bapak tengah CPR. Jantung dah berhenti 2 kali. Denyut nadi makin slow setiap kali CPR. Mungkin berhenti buat kali ke 3. Bawak mak balik ke hospital"

Masih stucked terduduk kat lantai lepas baca msg. Lari keluar ke bilik mami. Mami masih mandi. I know how mami is if she's in shocked, so I try to calm myself down first sebelum nak sampaikan khabar. I don't want mami pulak to be collapsed sebab terkejut kan. She's to tired and she just need rest for now.
Lepas mami mandi, I go and knock her room. Ceria jer muka dia lepas dapat mandi and berehat sebentar. Tak sampai hati nak sampaikan khabar duka.

But I have too.

So I did.

Dan muka mami terus berubah. She ask me what to do. what to do now? She sounds panicked. She look panicked. I tell her to relax, calm her. and ask her to change cloth so we can go back to the hosp. She only nodded to what I'm saying and close the door.

I wake my hubs from sleeping and apologies sbb kacau dia tidur and suruh kemas (update to him the situation)

Being him. The sleepyhead. He always being so clumsy waking up in a hurry. So dia just guna baju shirt and seloar pendek.

Being me. I take his seluar melayu (the long baju melayu pants) and his jeans so he can choose which he want to wear later. (I already can sense something is going to go wrong from here, Not I don't have faith for him to be better. but it was something like maybe I feel that it's time. Or just maybe I rather he don't feel these pain)

Then we directly went to the hospital. All 4 of us. Me, mami, hubs and Syazwan (not so little cousin from KL) Glad that he's here.

Mami dah tak kisah. Lampu isyarat langgar jer. Luckily it was early morning. So, tak banyak kereta kan. or none at all


A little later we arrive at the hospital. I can see abang from afar and his wife and a doctor talking. 

I don't feel good. I literally don't feel good but I keep myself together. 

Then abang amik kerusi, suruh mami duduk dulu. Take her breath. 

(you know this already not a good sign right?)

p/s I'll continue later. This is for my own memories later days. Don't judge if I'm being full disclosure here. 


  1. So sorry to hear, heartfelt condolences to all. May he rest in peace.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a late response but nevertheless, my heart goes out to you. I know it must not be easy to document this, but someday you will be grateful you did, for memories' sakes. Be strong my dear. :-)

    1. Thank you babe. sik kesah late response or earlier. kind words is always good nowadays. it feel good to read somebody praying for you. I know I need to know and read this again somebody (being forgetful as I am) I just wish nobody will condemn me for that


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